In My Own Skin

Check it out!

2011-09-12T23:06:00.000-04:00

Hey! In case you have forgotten: I have a new blog that is alive and well! Please be sure to check it out at www.dreamleapers.blogspot.com for inspiration, motivation, and to hear about the stories of those who have taken leaps of faith toward their creative dreams. Follow me on my journey as I write about my own experiences on the path to living fully in the creative realm of my life.

WAKING UP!

2011-08-05T01:29:00.000-04:00

Tonight has brought me the soul stretching, love inducing, eye opening, faith leaping, PUSH over the edge that I have needed (and craved) for a very long time. It was one of those moments when you suddenly feel as if you have awoken from a scary dream- one where everything is out of control, and can feel as fate drags and pushes you around like a rag doll. I awoke. I was surprised that I did not feel low, disheartened, or emotionally exhausted from the last few years of allowing myself to focus on the negative things in my life, and allowing others to have control over me, and over my emotions. I awoke shocked- I couldn't believe I had slept so long! And to think I had continued for so long to give away my energy, attention and emotions to people and activities that weren't even worth the bother- I awoke to the realization that I am in charge and that I have control over what and who deserves my energy and attention. No MORE will I continue to focus on the bad in my life. NO MORE will I allow myself to care what others think of me (I have spent so much time and energy on this. NO MORE. I am DONE.)

Leading up to this moment:
My dear friend Rick sent me a text message last week to inform me he had purchased tickets to see John Butler Trio, and asked me to join him. I enthusiastically excepted. I immediately called my sister Amber to tell her to get tickets, as we had both come to love him and his music equally. She had to be there with me. I didn't want to experience it without her. Later I hounded my friend Rob to join us. Rob, I knew, was also a huge JBT fan. We all met Rick at the front of Higher Ground, with mutual friends Nate and Shayna.
Once in, we hung out in the back for a while, and decided to make our way toward the front of the stage for a better view. We didn't get right up front, but we got close, and as soon as John Butler and his band made there way out onto the stage- I just knew it was going to be a great show.
The moving moment:
They played many songs, all of which I am in love with, and sang every word. About half way through the show, his drummer and bassist both left the stage, leaving John on his own to work his insane guitar magic (seriously, the BEST guitarist I have ever seen!) He dedicated the song "Ocean" to every person who fights for a cause. For every person "on the front lines" of the movement- the revolution. I am sure he was talking about a specific revolution- of corporate take over, taking care of the Earth, and indigenous rights (all VERY important revolutions and purposes)- but I like to think that he meant EVERYONE who was on the front lines of ANY revolution: people out there, changing the world in a positive way, in whatever way they feel moved to do so. I felt my own path- my own revolution- of encouragement and inspiration, helping people to find their way to doing what they love, instead of being stuck behind and miserable at what they hate. A revolution of PLAYFULNESS, and LOVE.
As he played, I felt my body began to vibrate. My cells began to awaken and shake and shimmy like they had all been blasted with love and engulfed in bursts of energy. They danced and swam and swayed- I felt light on my feet. I closed my eyes, and felt as if the music washed right through my chest- through my heart, filling me up with love, encouragement, motivation, inspiration, self control and self affection.
I felt a sense of grounding that I have been missing for several years, and yet, I felt as if I could, as if I was flying. As he fingered and plucked away at the keys, I could see my story from the beginning. I could see where I have come from, where I have been, and all of the magic in where I am heading. I felt firm in my position and my place in this world, and in my ability and desire to create amazing art in a world that desperately needs more love- more art- more fun and play- more revolutions.
At one super intense crescendo, one word popped into my head: Purpose. A series of images played through my head- a preview of what I believe is to come: Me, traveling the world, and interviewing truly amazing people (John Butler included) about their purpose in life, and what it means to have a purpose. I was interviewing all kinds of people from all cultural and socio-economic backgrounds, all of whom felt incredibly strong about something, and moved forward, despite what others thought, and what their perceived limitations were. I was traveling. I was interviewing. I was making a difference, and living my own dream at the same time. I was creating something that was going to inspire others to do the same. I had become the person I had always dreamed.
During the rest of the show, I pondered how far John must have come to be there, on his stool, playing such moving and incredible music for such an appreciative audience. Surely he had overcome many obstacles, trials, and tribulations to get to where he was tonight. He did not back down, he did not give up- or at least he made the difficult choice to get back up and brush himself off when he did. He put many hours into his craft- as EVERY successful artist does. Most importantly- I didn't care what others thought- he did this for himself. He gave himself purpose, he found his cause, and he fights for it still today.

Today I awake anew. I am ready to allow myself to move forward with my own dreams, despite my perceived shortcomings and limitations. Today I ditch the inner critics that have left me wondering what others think (I sent them all to protect The Kimberly in north western Australia, where Woodside Petroleum is threatening to build a LNG refinery on one of the most beautiful natural pieces of earth- look it up, it's horrible!) I have banished all negative thoughts and critics from my mind, and have made the decision to MAKE THE TIME in my life for my purpose. Today I take the first steps toward shaking the sleep out of my rigid and chilled body, and waking it to full warmth and movement. I awash myself with self love, self respect, and self care. I dedicate myself to my purpose and the love of my art. It is time to move forward. I start here and now.

Blossoming Plans

2010-10-29T19:19:00.006-04:00

Hello my dear friends and intrepid readers! There's been a few changes in my plans for next year, and I have launched a new blog in honor of those changes, and the amazing journey in which I am about to embark. Please take a moment to check it out, and please follow, as there will be many more posts to come about my travels!

Click here for My New Blog:

Moving Forward (An update!)

2010-10-04T11:35:00.005-04:00

It's official, folks! I am on the move again! For those of you who do not know me, I am an avid travel bug, and constantly on the look out for my next adventure. They have been few and far between since I re-entered school 4 years ago upon return from my South Pacific travels, and I have been daydreaming just as long.

A few weeks ago I was assigned a piece for the school news paper about the National Student Exchange program. While interviewing the program director, I became very interested in participating in the program myself. I inquired as to the application deadline for next semester. By the time I left the interview, I had an application in hand for an exchange with the University of Hawaii at Manoa. Before I had even begun to fill out my application and line up my references, I had purchased a one-way, non-refundable ticket to the aloha state. I am obviously ready to get out again.

I was accepted into the program as of this past Friday, and will be leaving on January 5th. I am going to be studying cultural anthropology with a minor in English. I am beside myself with excitement, knowing that I will be living in a more diverse community, and getting to have the opportunity to interact with people from all corners of the globe. There is also the obvious tropical beach settings in which I will be spending much of my time (a more enjoyable space in which to do my homework!)

And naturally, I am excited to have more content for my blog, and to practice my travel writing. I hope to spend the summer there, where I can work, save money, and write write write. Here is the one problem that I am still struggling with: Not writing. Ever. Well, barely ever. I am obviously writing now, and I posted a blog just the other day, but this is, in my normal fashion, a bit of a writing binge, which usually only lasts a few days, and then I stop writing again. One day at a time, I suppose. And I could possibly be procrastinating a little from my homework, I suppose.

BUT! Regardless of where I am right now with my writing, I am still making progress with life in general. I am excited to be on the move again, and out of my mind psyched to be heading to Hawaii, of all places. I can't wait to see where this adventure leads me :-D

How To Be Alone

2010-10-02T16:00:00.002-04:00

I found this video to be incredibly inspiring. Musician Tanya Davis uses film and original music to bring her poetry to life. This particular poem, How To Be Alone is a moving piece that makes solitude a comfortable concept for even extreme extroverts such as myself. Enjoy!

Finding Inspiration

2010-10-01T13:23:00.018-04:00

The more time I spend in academia, the more I lose touch with my creative side. I read, write and analyze, observe, postulate, and criticize; the more I do this, the more I become lost in the worlds of other people, and forget about my own. Brilliant, vibrant colors that would once invoke emotions, are now simply labeled and cast aside. Music that used to make me dance and sing, now analyzed for sociological content. People that used to inspire philosophical conversation, now targets for debate.

I never even witnessed this transition.

It seeped in and took over before I even had a chance to notice it was there. Seriousness. Safety. Logic is an emotionless freedom that leaves me feeling empty. It is a defense that protects the softness inside. The scary part is that I always thought I was so self aware. It is amazing what you let in when you are open, and how fast and tight you can close up without ever being aware of it. So tight that not even a bit of light can shine through to hint at how dark it really is inside. I have been hiding behind logic and reason, shields so protective they strangle and choke the meager plot of inspiration that I allowed to grow inside.

I am sick of living this way. I want to live! With reckless abandon! I want to wake up like I used to: the excitement of life building up inside of me, bursting into giggles, in the same way a teenage girl would react to her crush sending her a shy smile. I would bubble up, and boil over with ecstatic energy. I can feel it inside, simmering, and waiting for me to take control and turn up the heat. It is time to rekindle that flame, that zest for life; it is time to be proactive, and to start bringing inspiration back into my world, rather than waiting for it to find me. It is time to make time for creativity. Seeking inspiration through creation, building a space in which to create, dancing even if I don't feel like it; this is how I plan to start my fire.

I found this fantastic site called Learn This while I was browsing the internet for sources of inspiration. This particular article is called 8 Methods to Find Inspiration. I found it incredibly helpful and motivational. I hope you will as well.

One thing that I have always been good at is making lists. I write lists of lists that I need to write. It helps me to get everything on to paper so I do not have to worry about forgetting. A little neurotic, perhaps, but it works for me. To kick off my new practice of surrounding myself with things that inspire me, here is a list of things that bring me deep inspiration and motivation:

People: Everyone has different stories, personalities, quirks, styles, interests, insights. I LOVE learning/observing people.

Bright/Vibrant Colors: In nature, clothing, art. Colors evoke emotion and breath.

Nature: The smell of dirt and green. The crispness of the air, the silence of woodlands.

Swimming: Buoyancy. Weightlessness. Freedom. Deep breaths and relaxation.

Dancing: The creative expression of movement. Being in my own body, and feeling the music move through my limbs.

Travel: New places, faces, smells, tastes, experiences. New views to change my perspective on this world.

Music: It fills me when my glass is half empty. Melody, beat, harmony come together and fill my soul, healing wounds and old emotional scars.

Writing: Stringing words together and creating a beautiful pattern that reflects my thoughts, feelings, emotions.

Reading the labels on wine bottles: I do not drink wine, but I taste it through their description. The descriptions are always so juicy and full, I feel they are often more tasty than the actual beverage.

Smells, Tastes, Touch: I am an incredibly tactile person. I love hugs, massages, cuddles. It makes me feel warm and fuzzy. I also have a fantastic nose. Aromas and tastes are often more pronounced for me, than other people seem to express. I once even smelled smoke where actual fire fighters could not (as it turned out, there had been a small fire) These senses often evoke many different memories and emotions that bring forth creative bursts.

Posting motivational notes/posters/ reminders: Yes. I am a firm believer in affirmations. Sure, sometimes it does feel a bit hokey and artificial, but after a while it sinks in, and before you know it, these words, phrases, and visualizations become a reality to your conscious mind. It fills me with a strength and belief that anything is possible.

Solitude: I am an extreme extrovert. I prefer to be around people, even large groups of people, during most of my waking hours. There is something to be said, however, for time alone. Time to go inside, time to unwind, and time for some deep, uninterrupted introspection. Stretch, breath, let go. Untangle the knots, spread out, decompress, and just be.

Somewhere in the Middle

2010-07-14T14:23:00.011-04:00

There is something about the "gray space" in life that I find oddly exciting. Being a women of black and white, it is often terribly uncomfortable for me to occupy that mysterious space in the middle, though I have learned that it is the space in which the most significant growth occurs. The "gray space" is that of infinite potentiality, it is neither black, nor white, and yet, it is both. I prefer to be certain of my surroundings, of possible outcomes, and of my future, yet there is something about the gray space that allows me to stretch out ever further than even my own perceptions of personal potential. This space allows me to become in touch with the many endless possibilities that are at my disposal. It is within this space that I can truly achieve my goal-dreams. (I feel it is important to note that there are people who distinguish the difference between "goals" and "dreams". "Goals" are the "gettable get" while "dreams" remain the elusive "ungettable get" I see them as one in the same. A dream is merely a goal that has not yet been assigned a path of attainment.)

I sometimes feel as if the current of life has pushed me off to the side of the stream that becomes stagnant and cut off from movement. It seems as if life, and those who occupy it, just flow by me in a steady stream, while I wait for the rains of opportunity and inspiration to refresh my path and movement. In retrospect, I can see that I never really stopped flowing, but sometimes I would resist, dragging my feet on the bottom, afraid of the approaching rapids, telling myself I was not ready. Why is it that we hold ourselves back sometimes?

I am currently learning how to occupy this space in a somewhat graceful manner. It is not easy to learn to be still and allow the discomfort to wash over you. I am learning that the more I squirm, the more I resist, the less I learn, and the longer it takes me to move through the gray. The more still I become, the better I can hear the greater far off potentials being whispered into my ear. It has become a matter of identifying and acknowledging when I am in this gray space, releasing my anxieties, and allowing my mind to quiet long enough to recognize the magic of the space. This is where anything is possible. True magic lives in this space. This is where dreams have the potential to become reality, where dreams are assigned their path, and transformed into "goal-dreams".

Looking back, all of the times I decided to drag my feet, I was resisting only my own progress. I was not afraid of failing, I was afraid of achieving. What good is life, if you have nothing to strive for? As long as I was struggling, I was living. Or at least, so I thought. We are humans, with ever-changing goals and desires. There will always be something to aspire to. From here on out, I will do my best to be quiet and lift my feet, and trust that the river of life will take me exactly where I need to go.

*The photo above is a self portrait by a women named Nicki Varkevisser, entitled "Be True To Thyself". I found it to be a very fitting photo and title for this piece.

Blasting Through Obstacles

2010-06-18T12:37:00.017-04:00

And my journey begins! Shortly after posting my last blog, I began to delve into the wonderful and magical world of Travel Writing. Beginning with my usual research platform, the endearing world of Wikipedia, I branched out to find many sites boasting that they had the secrets to becoming a published travel writer. None were more refreshing, and ironically inspiring than one site that shared The Seven Myths of Being a Travel Writer.

My first reaction was of fear and doubt. The author of the article, Tim Leffel, seemed to be out to crush dreams. Travel writing is one of the most coveted jobs in the world, with only about a dozen or so people making an actual living with their writing. "It may sound silly to compare travel writers like Tim Cahill or Jeff Greenwald to celebrities such as Tom Cruise and Stephen King, but the odds of getting to that level of success are just as daunting." All motivation and hope seemed to seep slowly from my being. If this is true, who am I to think that I could achieve such am impossible task?

Just as soon as this thought crossed my mind, I began to feel the excitement bubbling up from my toes, as if the earth itself was re-energizing my dreams. A thought popped into my head that brought a slight smile to my tingling lips. "Who am I kidding? "Impossibilities" have never stopped me before!" I became giddy with this very thought, for I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that this very thought process will be my key to success.

Courage, perseverance, hard work, determination. THIS is what it takes to achieve any goal. Also, a deep faith that anything is possible. If you can dream it, you can create it. I have taught myself to look at barriers as simply obstacles that are in place to build character, and that all obstacles are traversable. People have a tendency to give up too easily, too soon. Pushing past our thresholds is uncomfortable. It is meant to be. As SARK stated (at the last workshop I went to at Kripalu Yoga Retreat) "growth is not meant to be comfortable. If you are comfortable, you are not growing." Knowing this, and knowing that I am capable of pushing past my barriers (some part out of determination, some part out of pure stubbornness), I am beyond confident that I will someday make a living as a professional travel writer.

SO! Here is what I have done so far to begin my journey:

First, I scoured Amazon.com for books on the subject of Travel Writing. I ordered 3 books with the highest rating, the Lonely Planet's Guide to Travel Writing is shown in the photo above is the first one I received, and I am eating it up! Really! This book is SO full of useful information and inspiring tid-bits. I am psyched to start working on the writing prompts that they list.

Secondly, I have decided to build my schooling around the path of my travel writing goal. I am already enrolled at Johnson State College for a major in Cultural Anthropology, and I recently decided to add on an English major as well, with a concentration in memoir writing and creative non-fiction. I hope to also create an independent study based solely on travel writing and research on the subject.

And Thirdly, and most importantly, I am starting to live my life as a travel writer, here and now. I am filling my downtime with travel writing research. I am reading my books, researching online, checking out trends in travel magazines for fresh ideas and inspiration, and keeping up with this blog. I am making plans to travel to Hawaii, Australia and New Zealand next year, and I am taking notes and writing down any and all ideas in my new little notebook, which is always at my side. In a sense, I have already accomplished the hardest part of my goal, the beginning. Now I just have to keep moving forward, climbing over, walking around, ducking under or even plowing THROUGH any and all obstacles that stand in my way. In the end, I have no doubt that I will accomplish my life goal, and make all of my dreams come true. After all, we only live once. Why not live it up?

Discovering My True Path

2010-06-11T13:08:00.008-04:00

I have come to the conclusion that I am far too ambitious for my own good. I am most definitely one of those people who literally wants to do EVERYTHING in life, and ends up sitting out completely due to the overwhelming feeling of it all. I have gone to school for acting, film production, massage, early childhood education, and naturopathic medicine. I have dabbled with the idea of becoming a professional skydiving instructor, an outdoor leadership teacher, and a motivational speaker. I have dreamed up my own businesses, built an empire in my mind, and have seriously contemplated joining a Buddhist monastery. Perhaps "ambitious" is not the term I am looking for, as ambition would lead to results in some shape or form. Perhaps "indecisive" would better describe the problem that has me frozen in fear.

I spoke with a new and dear friend on the phone several nights ago. Angela Lussier, an amazing career counselor, motivational speaker, and author, suggested that it is not lack of motivation that is keeping me sitting out on the sidelines, but the overabundance of choices that I have given myself. "You cannot do everything at once," she advised. "Pick what you love the most, and work with that." I told her that if I had one year left to live, I would travel the world and write my memoir. "Then THAT is what you should be working on now. Put everything else on hold, and just start writing." It makes perfect sense to me now, and I have known this before, but for some reason, hearing it from Angela, I knew it was my path. She had somehow simplified things for me. She cleared out all of the other options, and created a safe, secure place for me to open up into my writing. I put all of my other ideas away, knowing that in order to even make it to those paths, I had to first start this one: My path to becoming a published travel writer.

Angela also asked me to figure out what has been blocking me from writing. "What creates this anxiety that you feel around writing?" I felt instant resistance to this question. My eyes began to water, and my breath became shallow. She could sense my growing anxiety on the other end of the line, but pushed on, "Explore your resistance, try and figure out what is stopping you from writing. Write about your anxiety." And that was it. The path to success was one in the same. I need to write, but I need to get over my anxiety in order to write. So I will write about my anxiety, to figure out where this all stems from. Now that I have determined that my path is the one of weaving words, and that all others will have to wait, I need to write, to find the fear.

Follow me as I head out on this scary, and yet exciting journey toward my life as a travel writer, and making my dreams come true!

***Angela Lussier is a dear and inspirational soul that I met during my most recent visit to Kripalu Yoga Retreat. After growing sick of her day job, she decided it was time to start her own business. In only one year, she has single-handedly built a successful career consulting business, written a fabulous book called The Anti-Resume Revolution, and is currently starting her own clothing line. A big THANK YOU to Angela! Your guidance has brought me back to where I need to be, in order to be successful in my life.

Click here for Angela Lussier's 365 Degrees Career Consulting

Time to Stretch

2010-05-14T16:39:00.006-04:00

How did I ever become so comfortable here? Here, in this place where I close myself off from creativity and expression, and play instead with fear and insecurity. When did I give up on my dreams for the torture of comparing myself to the successes of others? When did I lose faith in my ability to create, produce, and share inspiration, hope and beauty in this world? And why did I ever stop dancing? (it felt so good to move!)

I lost faith in my ability to move others with my words, and I lost my ability to push myself forward in this unforgiving world. I became lost in the still and stagnant waters of boredom and allowed the walls of winter to close in tightly around my body. The walls have finally fallen away, and I find myself immobile with exhaustion. Yet, while I attempt to gain enough energy to stretch, to even open my eyes, I can sense that there is a ray of sunshine creeping into my room, through the dark, dusty shades that close me off from the world.

This Is How I Want To Live My Life...

2010-03-16T18:48:00.005-04:00

Desiderata - by Max Ehrmann

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass.

Take kindly to the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann c.1920

From Excited to Anxious, and Back Again

2010-03-01T16:45:00.003-05:00

Here I am procrastinating yet again while my books wait, somewhat impatiently. I am very happy to share that I have finally managed to pay off Burlington College, have had all of the necessary forms sent to JSC, and I filled out and submitted my applications for FAFSA and the Vermont Grant last night. Once I am accepted, I need to put down a deposit for a single dorm room, and then I can put the rest of my money toward a savings account for my trip abroad next year.

WOW. It's happening. It has been so long for me since there has been any significant change in my life, and this is pretty huge. I'm moving to a tiny little town in northern Vermont, where I will not know anyone. After several months of studies at JSC, I will be packing my world into a small travelers pack, and making my way half way around the world to study in a University that will likely be far larger than any school I have ever even stepped foot on. Before that happens though, there will be a TON of planning that goes into the trip. I have to save money, apply for financial aid and scholarships, I have to sign up for the program and choose what school I will be attending, find a place to live while I'm there, do some research on the area and find a part time job, and so much more.

I am incredibly excited, but then, I am also scared out of my mind. There will be much to do before I go, and once I get there, it will surely be a bit overwhelming. This is exactly what I want to do. I know there will be a lot of work that goes into it, but it will be an experience that will stay with me for the rest of my life.

My Goodness! Dreams are coming TRUE!

2010-02-28T17:59:00.007-05:00

*SIGH* I MISS this blog so much. I miss writing and sharing my ideas, thoughts, worries and even joys and inspirations with all of you wonderful and inspiring people! Truth is, the only reason I am able to post this blog right now is because I am procrastinating from my homework. Things are going well. I am most certainly drowning in my studies, and will be pulling some stressful all-nighters a few times this week to get caught up, but I'm not allowing myself to get stressed out like I did last semester. I learned that I have a tendency to panic, which then throws me into severe anxiety; once I become saturated in anxiety, I become frozen in place. It is neither fight or flight, its simply frozen in fear. Once I start to recognize the anxiety churning in my stomach, I am able to talk myself down from the ledge, and I can move on. That said, my homework is not doing itself, and I need to find a way to be more productive and better with time management.

I have been working a lot lately. Both of my jobs are short staffed, and I have been picking up more hours than I probably should. I am hoping that I can get myself caught up by the end of this week, as I will be working all weekend again. But YAY for money, right?

I'm getting my tattoo "finished" this Wednesday with some of my tax return $. I say "finished" (with quotations) because I have recently come up with some more ideas as to how I can add to it... but I know I really should just let it be... SHOULD...

OK, so the diet thing. The whole reason this blog was started! Not happening so much, to be completely honest. I barely have time to even think about feeding myself, never mind what I will feed myself, or what kind of work out I am going to do. That said, I am still positive. I may not actually get to my goal weight by July, but I have definitely dropped weight as a result of giving up bagels and mocha's (both of which I had this morning, but I wont hold it against myself. Once a month or less wont kill me!) ;-)

I am very excited for this summer, however. I am not exactly sure what my living situation is going to look like, but I know that I will be riding my bike a lot, and have discovered some really rad classes in the area (Forza, yoga dance, etc) So I am psyched for school to be over so that I can put more time into work out classes. My lease ends June 1st, and I will be needing to raise and save as much money as I possibly can. I will be leaving for Australia in Dec. and would very much like to live as free as possible this summer. I am considering offering my services as a house cleaner or yard worker in exchange for a small sleeping space, or even a place to pitch a tent (and access to a shower, of course) So if anyone out there has any suggestions, let me know!

So along with living "rent free", I am also planning to sell nearly everything I own, which has become quite a lot. I may even put together an act with fire stuffs for church street (eating, breathing, fleshing, etc) I will be working at both UG and Spirit Dancer, so I am hoping to add to that with the other ideas that I have. I think I may even try to do some kind of fundraisers, like holding a raffle for my paintings, a bake sale, or even start doing massage again for a little while (house calls, since I will not have my own space) If anyone has any ideas as to what else I could do, please let me know.

Hooray! I'm so excited that this is actually happening!

Keepin' Motivated!

2010-01-27T22:49:00.000-05:00

*Still have a few blogs in the works for ya kids, but in the meantime, enjoy a silly motivational photo I've created for myself!

Another note: I have finally begun a weekly workout routine, but my blogging has slipped as a result. School has also started this week, so I am working out my new schedual, I am hoping to be back on track and have a somewhat organized life again in a few weeks! Will keep ya'll posted!

Stay Tuned...

2010-01-25T23:30:00.000-05:00

Please stay tuned, my friends. I know I have not been making any posts lately, but I have at least three in the works, as I try to keep up with all of the changes going on in my life right now. Good things are happening. 2010 is without a doubt, MY YEAR, and I have some very exciting things in store. Some of these things include: Forza classes, Roller Derby, working with my favorite author: SARK, Transferring to Johnson State College, Officiating a wedding for my friends Miles and Mads, going abroad for a year in Australia, and my continuous healing from the inside out! I hope that you will follow me on this amazing journey, find inspiration in my story, and offer support when you can. Be sure to "Follow" my blog for updates. Blessings and Sunshine! ~Corin :-)

Finding Closure

2010-01-25T17:12:00.001-05:00

"I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." ~Marilyn Monroe

I went to a surprise party for a friend this weekend. It was great fun and good people, though I was worried about seeing my recent ex who was going to be there with his girlfriend (one of his ex's). I was pleasantly surprised that I didn't feel sad, jealous, lonely, or any other horrible feeling that I had thought I would experience as a side effect of seeing him with someone else. As a matter of fact, I felt amazing! I felt happy, confident and secure, three feelings that haven't felt in ages, long before I even met him. It was SO good for me, exactly what I needed for complete and utter closure.

I still feel some anger towards parts of the end of our relationship that I know will never be resolved, and I just need to let go. It's hard though, especially when you are aware of something that they are not, and continuously deny. My ultimate conclusion: Most men are the same. I know there are good ones out there... I even dated one once (Thanks Graeme!) And I know I will find a man deserving of my time and attention someday. I have learned that if a guy really truly wants to be with you, he will make it happen. He will love me for my intensity, my emotions, and my need for directness, clarity and plans. BUT, If all he wants is "friends with benefits", he's a douche bag that doesn't deserve any part of me.

*Special Thanks to Graeme, who was a very supportive and loving boyfriend! He is a rare find in the world of men. I am very thankful for him and his continuing friendship. Congratulations and Best of luck to Graeme and his new wife, Michelle! I hope to see you both when I make it to Australia next year! :-)

Noticing Patterns

2010-01-13T19:04:00.001-05:00

Ok, I'm totally not going to lie. I still have yet to start anything I have set out to do. That said, I have started and kept up with my blog, which is a huge feat for me! I guess I'm procrastinating the active stuff with the writing stuff, which is pretty productive in itself. Now I just have to find a way to productively procrastinate with exercising and mindful meditation.

I have been sitting at Dobra for a few hours. I have posted one blog, and have started two others not including this one. So all in all, the blog is picking up, and I am starting to have things to write about. Now that I have this started, and I am finding a flow, I can start to work on going to bed early and getting up early. Once I get that down (hoping by the end of the weekend) I will start adding a routine. I have started to understand that I can't just say that I am going to start waking up in the morning and working out and doing all of this stuff, I have to work it in to my schedule, make it a routine, incorporate it so that it sticks, rather than all or nothing.

Ideally, as I said in a previous blog, I would like to go to sleep by 10pm, 11 at the latest, and get up at 7am. I never usually start work or class before 10am, so I will generally be guaranteed my mornings, and can come up with many productive things to do for myself! (SO excited about this)

Last week I referred to an affirmation by Chellie Campbell (http://www.chellie.com/ ) about making "Productive choices" over "Empty choices", and I have been meditating on this all week long. I keep affirming to myself that "I make Productive choices in my life", and I have to tell you, it has worked like a charm! I have become so aware of the choices I make, and have been having a really hard time justifying "empty choices".

Today, for instance, I was driving home from my interview at Johnson State College, and I was starving. I had woke up late and was in such a rush to get to Johnson that I left without breakfast. On the way back, I thought about treating myself to lunch at the Olive Garden. Then I started to consider the money I would spend, as well as the amount of carbs and fat I would consume, and how the rest of my day would be shot because I would be in a food coma. I decided that it would not be productive at all for me to be so extravagant. Then, I thought "well, why not McDonald's, I mean, I never eat there, perhaps I could treat myself to some comfort food." I wrestled with my hunger and made it home to cook myself a bowl of rice and veggies.

It was harder to justify choices that I would normally allow, now that I am aware of what is productive or counter productive to my goals. I feel so much more aware of my Self and my goals now. I am very excited to see where this leads me. Already, after a week or so of keeping this blog, I am starting to notice how I work. I am becoming aware of my own patterns and tendencies, and I am excited to be learning this stuff about myself. It's like keeping a journal, though a little bit more public ;-) I figure this way, I can't fail... With support from people like you! Thank you for reading, and please feel free to share your own stories, links and inspirations! <3

Dance Party

2010-01-13T18:56:00.001-05:00

Ok, so I have two new posts on the way, but they will not be done until tomorrow or friday, but for now, enjoy... (I am about to have a dance party of one in my bedroom... I ADORE this song...)

Inspirational Tid-bits

2010-01-12T21:44:00.000-05:00

So I have decided that I WILL in fact make at least one post a day, even if it is just a link or a video or quote. Some days I will have up to two posts, one with something inspirational that I would like to share, and the other with my personal transformation stories. I am looking forward to the day when I have some sort of rhythm and organization to this blog, but for now, it's in the beginning stages, and I hope that you enjoy seeing me go through my incredibly scattered process. Who knows, maybe it will never change! Either way, my only hope is that it gives others inspiration and warm fuzzies :-)

Pretty Things

2010-01-11T23:55:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking of this flower all day, it has been burned into my mind. It is so beautiful and makes me think of sunbursts and summer sunsets. I can't wait until summer rolls around again. So many adventures and excitement to be had this summer. I will be able to put into action all that I have learned this past year, and really enjoy myself. I love life.

Procrastination is Part of the Game!

2010-01-11T15:35:00.000-05:00

I am currently sitting at Dobra. I'm "taking a break" from writing my essay for Johnson State College, out of complete frustration, of course. I have been writing for about an hour, I have two pages in size 11 font, and I do not have any idea what I am talking about. I keep hoping something will come out of the jumble, that something will be clear and cohearant, and that I will be able to move from there. Yet, only frustration has grown out of it. I guess that's what its like for beginning writers. Sigh... At least I can always count on procrastination ;-)

On a good note, I have been achieving my goal, though completely by accident. I have yet to start an actual work out plan, and have only made small changes in my diet, and I have still managed to lose 5 pounds since the first. I suppose this just goes to show the power of intention. I gave up bagels and mochas, my biggest vices over the last two years, and have been making healthy choices, one meal at a time. I have been drinking a lot more water, and have begun to make plans for a food budget, which I can probably start this weekend. I am making plans for meals and snacks that I will prep for each week. I am also working on finding healthy alternatives to foods that I simply cannot live without (the occasional pizza and icecream cravings...) I am still eating late and staying up until 1 or 2am, so I am hoping to nip that in the bud starting tonight.

Tomorrow I am going to get up at 7am to stretch and meditate before I start my day. I have been eating fruit and oatmeal for breakfast in the morning, along with several glasses of water. Last year I bought a "Manifestation Journal" that I will start to write my intentions in while I eat my breakfast every morning. I am also going to start my "morning pages" to get my regular writing practice going. I am only going to commit to 5minutes of guitar practice a day. I figure 9 times out of 10I would likely play longer, and five minutes is a very non-threatening amount of time that I can stick to.

One thing I do not want to do is join a gym. The first reason is that I pay, and I never go. I end up losing a ton of money and I am left feeling fat and guilty. I also find gyms really intimidating. I would much rather spend my money taking fun classes like Forza, a samari sward fighting workout http://forzavt.com/ , or ballroom or swing dance lessons. I also love going for long walks or, my ultimate favorite (and oh my Goddess, Im fiending for a ride...) riding bikes! I am even considering braving the cold and going for a ride sometime soon, I need it, I miss it. That said, there are plenty of free things that I can do in the chilly winter season that will help me burn calories and meet my goal of 50 pounds in 6 months: Snow shoing, iceskating, dancing, and I also have my MTV Pilates and Micheal Franti Yoga DVDs. I just have to sit down and make a schedual for myself. If anyone out there would care to join me for any of the above, let me know! :-)

I am feeling really good about this entire plan. I have ideas in place, I am making plans, easy ones that I can stick to, and I am thinking positively, for the first time in a long time. I have a feeling this is all going to go very well. Thank you so much for all of your wonderful comments and support, it has definately helped to keep me focused. I love you all! <3

The Only Way To Beat It Is To Bat It Down...

2010-01-10T10:30:00.001-05:00

I went to bed feeling lonely, and woke up with this song in my head... Feeling much better today...

Just a little lonely today...

2010-01-10T00:42:00.000-05:00

No Envy, No Fear

2010-01-07T17:03:00.000-05:00

Last semester ended with me nearly having a nervous breakdown. I was beyond stressed. I had been dealing with school, work, weddings, and other events, and was also facing the end of a very intense whirlwind romance. I was left feeling tired, frazzled, deeply insecure and insignificant. It all came to a head in the beginning of November, and I found myself ready to give up on everything in my world for just one moment of stillness. I felt as if every insecurity I had ever pushed through and left behind had somehow found its way back, and was pulling me back into the deep, dark abyss. At this point, I was thoroughly convinced that I had failed at life, love, and every goal I had ever set out to accomplish, and was ready to just call it quits.

After a very insightful conversation with my friend Sarah, she had convinced that I should, and could follow through and actually finish my classes. She suggested, from observations she had made, that perhaps I had a history of giving up on myself, accepting failure long before I even had a chance to fail. As soon as she said it, I realized she was right. Looking back on my life, I have never finished anything, because I tell myself that I never finish anything, and I give up. I created and carried out this master narrative of my life, not because it was true, but because I believed it to be true.

Over the last few days I have been getting myself back into that mindset. I had been planning on going to Uncommon Grounds yesterday to arrange my big plans, and to write my blog for the day. By the time I was finished with work I was tired and wanted a completely mindless night. I went home and watched What About Brian on Hulu until 3am, and then slept until noon today. I woke up feeling defeated and sad. I accepted the defeat, and then continued to watch more WAB on Hulu. It has been a week since I started this blog, and I only have 3 entries, and I haven't even started to work out or eat healthier. I had not yet started to plan or even think about what I was going to do to accomplish my goal. I had made feeble attempts to do anything. I was defeated before I even began.

Then I checked my email. I had received a few emails and comments from people who were excited about and love my blog. Already, 5 days in, and I have followers and comments. It dawned on me: I am already starting to build the community that I need to continue on. I have actually already started to accomplish my goal. I have put more worry than effort into this already, but it is gaining momentum against my own negative thoughts. I realize that I have to trust that. I have to trust myself, and know that I can do this. It sure is hard to look at the mountain that I must conquer from the bottom. I do not, however, have to reach the summit in one single step. I just have to take one step right after another. This blog is my first step.

I received an amazing email from my dear friend Evolving Jen. It was precisely what I needed to hear at that very moment (again, I must trust that I will always have what I need, exactly when I need it). She sent me a link to Chellie Campbell's website Financial Stress Reduction, where you can sign up for 30 days of positive affirmations to be sent to your email. Here is the link: http://www.chellie.com/

The one particular one Jen sent me was very specific to my personal goals. It was called "Little Actions", and talked about how even the worlds most renowned authors only write one paragraph at a time. Sometimes they enjoy what they write, sometimes they despise it, but one day, they wake up and all of their effort has turned into a book. Campbell talks about how it is the little steps, the paragraphs that are written on "the edges of the day" that culminate into the book you have always dreamed of writing. She noted that successful people are so because each time they are presented with a choice to do something "empty" or something productive, they make the choice to be productive. "I must, each day, make the choice to put off the instant gratification of today in exchange for the delayed gratification that may be years in the future." Starting today, I am.

My Promise to Me:

I promise that if I ever have the opportunity to write, over watching a movie: I WILL WRITE. I promise that if I ever have the opportunity to Dance over sitting on my ass: I WILL DANCE.

I promise that if I ever have the opportunity to eat something healthy over eating something unhealthy: I WILL SAVOR HEALTHY FOOD JOYFULLY.

I promise that if I ever have the opportunity to go on an adventure, vs hide away out of fear: I WILL CHOOSE ADVENTURE.

I promise that if I ever start to feel negatively toward myself or my goals: I WILL CALL UPON FRIENDS AND LOVED ONES FOR SUPPORT.

I promise that I WILL NOT GIVE UP ON MY SELF OR MY DREAMS.

When I was on my way to meet with my advisor this afternoon, this song came on my ipod. I started to understand the important message that Mr. Radin was expressing through his uplifting lyrics: Do not envy those who have what you do not. You don't know their story, of the struggles that they may have endured to get to where they are. Every success story has a steep climb behind them, and battles with their own insecurities. Yet, do not hold on to fear either. It is a useless emotion that builds only the illusion of difficult obstacles. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MvzINsg1PKo

*Photos are of Louise Hay's Wisdom Cards

These cards can be found at Spirit Dancer Books and Gifts. Call for shipping: (802) 660-8060

Or visit: http://www.louisehay.com/

*As a side note, I have gone back and read this several times. It is not concise, or even very articulate, but I have to keep telling myself that it is a start. This is the beginning for me. Up until this blog, I have been a writer who does not write. Time, practice, and commitment will help me to become a better writer. The practice will become a habit, and someday I will find my story, and I will be a published author. I have no doubt about that.

In The Planning Stage

2010-01-05T21:55:00.000-05:00

I am exhausted! Pulled off a nine hour day after having had 5 days off. I work at a local new age store, so I had the pleasure of counting pretty jewelery and stones all day for inventory. After my shift was over my boss, Carol, took me around the corner to Stone Soup where I ate some really scrumptious soup with bread and a plateful of kale and home made vegitable augrauton. It was so good. I came home and took the longest, hotest shower. It was so refreshing and set me up for bed. I had every intention of skipping my blog entry for the day, and as I went to sign on to hulu.com to watch another episode of What About Brian, I felt a rush of ambition.

Now, it most certainly will not be the best writing I do all week, but hey, at least I'm sticking to it, right? Ok, so here's what I have been considering over the last few days: I need to make a plan. I can't just say "Ok, I'm on a diet now!" and expect to stick to it. My hypothesis is that diets without a firm plan behind them probably tend to fail. Since this is also a lifestyle change for me, I am going to have to come up with something that is affordable for me both in time and money.

Here is my goal: Over the last two years, I have gained 50+ pounds due to lack of exercise and a poor diet. I would like to rework daily exercise back into my schedual, as well as budget my money for healthy groceries, and to start cooking for myself more often. I have a tendency to go out to eat more than I cook, and I have a feeling this actually costs me more $ in the end. My overall goal is to lose 50 pounds in 6 months. Thats roughly 2.5 pounds a week, which is, as far as I am aware, pretty healthy and do-ble.

So for tomorrow, my plan is to sit down and come up with daily exercises and a weekly food budget. I will start to look into recipies and alternatives to my food vices (ice cream, bagels, mochas, pizza, etc.) and try to come up with healthy snacks. I also want to work meditation in, as well as a regular sleep schedual. I love to dance, so I will also start looking in to weekly events around town that will get me out of the house and moving my butt. I used to go out dancing every night, now I can barely dance. My goal for that is to get myself out of the house twice a week, for at least two hours.

So tomorrow I will have a list of goals and a rough draft of my plan to reach those goals. I am super excited to get this under way. I also signed up the other day for a class at CCV called Body Awareness. This class is sure to help me stay focused on my body and my goals while I am chipping away at my other classes. Here is the description given on CCVs website: "The goal of this class is to learn to live and move fully and consciously in our own bodies. Combining theory and practice, we explore human function, health and balance. We use a variety of perspectives including Yoga, Ayurveda, Anatomy & Physiology, Thai bodywork, Experimental Anatomy and others. Each student learns techniques to improve postural alignment, reduce chronic tension, control awareness and increase vitality. And we have fun!"....... I AM SO EXCITED!

Photos By Jamie Lucia

Birthday Lessons, the Greatest Gift

2010-01-04T19:50:00.000-05:00

I had the perfect birthday yesterday. I slept in, then showered and made my way through the winter wonderland to meet up with a few of my lady friends for "Girly Tea" at Dobra. As per usual, the tea was divine, the hummus, spectacular, and the company, exquisite. Two Sarah's, an Allison and my dear sister Amber all kept me company while we shared laughs and ideas for the next hit romantic comedy, all of which included real scenarios from our own love lives. With such good company, we hardly noticed the passing of time. Before we knew it, three hours had passed, and it was time to continue on with each of days.

Amber and I made our way back to our home, stopping by Foodah along the way so that we could grab a quick lunch. Sean, our downstairs neighbor had sent me a text message asking me to swing by his apartment on our way back. When we arrived, he and his husband, Pete surprised me with a giant piece of chocolate cake adorned with a single pink, flaming candle. Being the crazy camera lady that I am, I insisted that they let me take a million photos of them and myself with this lovely edible gift.

While Amber and I shared the tasty treat, she began to open the fortune cookie she had received at lunch. "This fortune will tell what lessons and changes I can expect this year" she proudly announced while tearing away the plastic and cracking into the crunchy cookie. She read it silently, looking a bit perplexed. "Hmmm, well, that's not exactly what I was expecting," she said aloud, handing me the small rectangular piece of paper. I took it and read the short line, nearly choking on my cake in the process. I laughed aloud, "Well, it seems you will be going through some changes then," I joked with her, handing the fortune back.

I opened my own fortune. Not nearly as funny as my sisters: Hard work and dedication will lead you to the life you dream.

SHIT, so you mean its not going to be handed to me then? Dammit. Well, I never really did like being bored anyway, at least my life will be an adventure.

I spent the rest of my day cleaning and organizing my room. My step mom found an old used filing cabinet for me, and Carol, my boss, hooked me up with a bunch of folders for it. I painted it bright yellow and began filing my life away. The Capricorn in me was very pleased and excited about this activity, and I soon found myself making files for things I don't necessarily need files for (an Idea folder, a music folder, a folder for future plans, one for current plans, a folder for recipe's, etc) Eventually I came to terms with the fact that I was just actively avoiding writing a new blog for the day. After all, my blog is about making lifestyle changes toward a healthier lifestyle, and all I had done in three days was eat and sit on my ass. Not much was changing, I suppose.

After actively procrastinating (albeit, productively), I began to get ready for my night out. I had invited a bunch of friends out to have appetizers and drinks at the Vermont Pub and Brewery. One by one, people started to call out due to the blizzard. Normally, this would bother me a bit, but I made the decision to not take it personally. Over the last few days, I have had several experiences that have made me realize how much others love and care for me, and how valuable many find my friendship. I stepped outside of my Self, and have come to see what others see in me, and have a much deeper sense of self worth because of that experience. It has also helped me to love and appreciate those around me even more.

I couldn't have asked for a better night. The most wonderful souls were in attendance. We were given the sun room next to the bar, and had a sensational view of the winter wonderland that was downtown Burlington. It was warm and cozy, and the drinks and food were filling and comforting. My friends and I joked and laughed. I was reunited with several friends that I have not seen in some time, and reconnected as if no time had passed at all. It was utterly spectacular. I learned the value of checking expectations at the door, and allowing room for what adventures come my way. They may not be exactly what I was looking for, but they always have amazing gifts in store for me. I feel more free than I have in a long time. I feel like dancing.

My Goal

2010-01-02T20:27:00.001-05:00

Well, it is January 2nd, the eve of the third, which will bring me into my 27th year. I had planned on starting this blog on the first, to initiate a new year, and the new goals that come along with it.

One of those goals is this very blog. 2009 has brought me many suprises and stresses, and I find myself carrying extra insecurities, as well as an extra 50 pounds. As a disclaimer, I feel that I should say this... I am not one of those girls who believes that you have to be thin to be happy, or look or act a certain way to be attractive. That said, I do have a personal goal that includes losing the extra weight I have gained over the last 2 years, and along the way, regaining control over my life and the goals that I have for it.

A few weeks ago, I saw the movie Julie and Julia with my sister Amber, and our friend Sean. I really resonated with Julies character: a writer who was not writing, and could not finish anything she started. I was inspired about her success with her blog, and the excitment she felt about writing it, and thought "Hey, I could do that too!". Perhaps this is what many people are thinking with this new year, perhaps Julie has inspired tons of blogs to sprout up about thousands of topics, but dont we each have our own unique stories to share?

My idea for this blog goes as follows: I will write about my experiences and progress with losing 50 pounds by July. I am hoping to find motivation and a community for support. I also want to show what it is like to take initiative for ones own health, and will hopefully be able to inspire others with my story. Remember, this is about health, not fitting into an ideal (or a bikini).

It will also give me a reason to write, which is a must. I have read that writers do not need a reason to write, just paper and a writing utensil. This is true for most, I suppose, but for me, I have to trick myself into writing, and I must be pretty cunning to do so. For some reason, every part of me will find a way to fight what naturally wants to come out. Even as I type this, I find myself coming up with reasons to just pick up and walk away. This is such a struggle for me. I am hoping that if I couple it with another subject, I could "trick" myself into writing more often. I am hoping to become far more articulate and concise, and to develop my own voice for a possible future in travel writing.